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The last few years have been hard.  So much loss, so many trials… I am at the end of my tether now.  I feel sad, flat, joyless… but there is a glimmer.

It is time to set aside all the bad and to take the spirit of those whom I have lost and do as they would.  Live my life as they would have lived theirs, and how they would have loved to see me live mine.  Reinvent, renew….

The last couple of weeks have been a mixture of emotionally draining and difficult, and yet uplifting and enjoyable.

We went off to Utah to say a final farewell to my epic big brother – the “King of the Hobos” – a supremely talented, artistic and intelligent individual whom I miss a great deal.  We met some of his closest friends for the first time and reconnected with another.  It was good.  Sad, but good.

I came back feeling buoyed up  t o take on the World, to run with some projects that have been sitting dormant for a long time… but the last couple of days my self belief has just collapsed.  I am really rubbish at believing in myself and promoting myself – it is one of those great personal failings that I have.

That said, my Dad is talking about doing something else with himself, and selling up the business since I have been talking about setting up my own thing and chasing some dreams.  I guess he has faith in my ability… and so this is going to force my hand somewhat since I need to either sink or swim!

So… I guess it is time to start the preparations, but for now here are a few photographs from the deserts of Utah – our adventures there and the celebration of my big brothers life.

It has been a tough weekend for the clan – on Friday we had to say goodbye to one of the cats, he was a really lovely old boy but cancer caught him and we were left having to make a tough choice.

It was good that Dakota came down for her monthly visit later that day as it helped take our minds off things.  Saturday was the Ulverston Apple Festival (with a Donkey ride and cake) followed by a visit to softplay.

This weekend was all about mini-adventures, spending family time together and generally chilling out.   The weather was bad, my van has been playing up (and is being swapped out) and – to be honest – we were absolutely shattered after a hectic couple of weeks (with another one to get through before any chance of downtime!)

Jen was saying to me that we haven’t really taken many photographs of “us”, and I started looking back through things thinking… I am sure we have.

But no, she is right! I have so many of the children, the animals and photos from on our adventures. I even have quite a few of her – although most of them don’t see the light of day just hide away on my hard drive! But both of us, together….

Thinking about this, it is kind of important that I take more of these pictures – of the kids with one or both of us, the two of us together… these are things that they will remember and hold dear when they get older – when we have gone and all that is left are the memories of things that we did together. It is precious… I wish I had more photographs of my Mum with me/us/the kids.

So… another mission to add to my list is to take more pictures! It’s true that we haven’t, perhaps, been feeling particularly photogenic of late – but we are making efforts to redress that issue and… hell… if we succeed I suppose it will be nice to be able to look back on the transformation too!

This is the last one I took of the two of us – around 10 months ago.

Now I just need to ensure it isn’t the last!

Here are a few more from the last couple of years or so, just to prove that there are a few!

The last is one of my favourites!

So, although we are both rather camera shy I am going to try and take a lot more!